I Kill Bad People

By Joe Cunningham

I kill bad people.

I bet that’s not something you hear everyday.

My friends call me Dexter.

Maybe it’s because I look like him, talk like him, and have a similar demeanor;

Maybe it’s because I have a cute blonde son named Harrison

And his mom has another boy and girl,

Or because I kill bad people.

Or all of the above.

That’s right,

I kill bad people.

I do a lot of things.

I’m a waiter, I’m a writer (kind of goes hand in hand),

I have my own business.

And I teach.

So when people ask me what I do for a living I just say,

“I kill bad people.”

And it’s fun to see the looks on their faces,

‘Cause I don’t flinch.

Just bad people though.

People say I’m crazy,

And I am.

I think all the best people are.

I used to “try to fit in,”

And suck the corporate dick -

But I stopped that shit some time ago.

“And that has made all the difference.”

Which reminds me

I need to return some videotapes.

(“I’ll leave that in there for the scholars.” - Brian, Family Guy)

I like the way I am.

It’s fucked up but I’m cool with it.

Finally.

I once knocked down three guys in like 5 seconds.

We were pugil stick fighting.

It was me or them.

And I didn’t really want to get my face knocked in.

I think I broke one’s nose.

They didn’t die.

I only kill really bad people.

Girls who are friends of mine text me sometimes

When they don’t feel safe.

I’ve walked a few of them out to their cars.

I hold the door.

Lots of people say it’s old fashioned.

Like The Dark Ages.

I don’t mind because

I’d like to think of myself as a modern knight.

A Dark Knight.

My son thinks I’m Batman.

“Daddy is Batman,” I tell him, in a gruff voice.

I’ve successfully brainwashed him.

But it’s true.

Michael Keaton killed people in the 1989 version.

He knew what the fuck he was doing.

I am Batman. And I kill bad people.

The Punisher is also the shit.

And Jon Bernthal should get the Emmy.

I named my son after Harrison Ford because he’s a badass.

Name the movie: badass.

If Harrison Ford and Batman had a baby it would be me, or Dexter, or both.

“You’ve met me at a very strange time in my life.” - Fight Club

(Also for the scholars.)

I stand up for people who don’t stand up for themselves.

I saved a little kid once.

His uncle, I think he was the uncle, was touching his penis in a public bathroom.

Not anymore.

I don’t think that what I do is bad,

Killing bad people.

Sometimes I wonder if someone else who kills bad people will and

There will be a showdown.

Well that motherfucker doesn’t stand a chance.

Because I kill bad people.

And I mean bad people.

I was a seminarian once. For seven years.

The guy in charge died when he was 80-somethin and all his life they accused him of shit.

The people in charge always told us it was slander.

Until a year after he died.

They told us he stole a lot of money and fathered some kids.

Which, whatever.

And a year later told us he raped lots of little boys too.

Fuck.

If he were alive today he’d be dead.

Because I kill bad people.

He never saw justice.

And they knew about it.

Lots of girls I know got raped.

It’s a shitty world we live in.

I wish I coulda been there and killed that motherfucker.

Most of them get away with it.

Motherfuckers.

My uncle is a city cop: detective in charge of cold cases:

Probably one of the smartest, coolest people I know.

Like Steve McQueen’s Bullit.

It’s a wonder he hasn’t figured it out by now.

[Laughing.]

I sub in the city schools.

I wear sunglasses and my leather jacket.

“Indiana Jones wears one.”

The bad kids are afraid of me.

It’s pretty funny actually.

“I kill bad people,” I tell them. And,

“The best place to hide is out in the open.”

I stopped one of them from killing another one day

Or at least inflicting permanent brain damage.

(It happens all the time.)

He threw a dictionary at another kid’s head - and not a small one,

Then he came in for the flying kick.

He didn’t make it that far.

I threw him to the ground,

Then out of my classroom.

Harrison Ford-style.

They got it on video.

All the kids had it, I didn’t see it.

I don’t care.

Because I kill bad people.

My friend got raped in the city once,

Right in the middle of the street.

Homeless guy I still see around came and saved her.

I give him a dollar every time I see him (I don’t normally give them money),

Because he’s like me.

He kills bad people.

I was gonna be a Marine officer once.

Because they are the baddest at killing bad people.

I was top of my class,

Got a perfect score on the fitness test.

I was gonna make it,

But I dropped out for my kid.

After I had convinced myself being away from him that long was gonna be the best thing for him.

After me and his mom split.

It wasn’t.

My recruiter wasn’t happy.

Said if I left his office I could never come back.

I left.

And felt a rush of adrenaline, like I was Batman or something.

I’ll never regret it.

I love my son.

People say I’m a “great Dad” for doing that,

But I say “no,”

I’m just a fuck.

A real man woulda never even considered leaving.

And I’m often ashamed I even ever thought about it.

I kill bad people now anyway.

I watched my friend get humped in the kitchen at the restaurant we worked at by our boss

In front of everyone.

She looked like a deer caught in the headlights.

He was laughing. With his fupa. Fucking dick.

He humped her for a good minute or so.

None of us could move, the cooks, nothing.

Our mouths were open.

Fuck, I wanted to kill him.

I just remember thinking how I was gonna rip his face off,

And at the same time thinking about how I wouldn’t be there for my son if I was in jail.

I still regret not doing anything.

To this day.

Now I kill bad people.

What a fuck.

I run at night sometimes, in the city.

I know all the streets.

I know the bad parts of town

Where you “shouldn’t go.”

But I’m the guy you don’t wanna meet in a dark alley

If you’re bad people.

I’m writing a book about a guy who saved a bunch of people from gettin’ killed.

He doesn’t like being called a hero

But he is.

Maybe I will be more like him after I finish writing it.

You become like the people you spend the most time with.

Choose wisely.

Liam Neeson did it right in Taken, the first one.

I think all good men would want to be him in that situation.

I take my kid to the zoo a lot.

I almost flipped my shit on a guy who came up to my son.

I was “this” close.

I was very close.

He got too close.

If someone even thinks about my son the wrong way I would kill him.

All good parents know what I’m talking about.

I kill bad people.

It’s nice to think that maybe we will live in a world where that is not necessary.

But we won’t.

Not this world anyway.

When I was a boy I was in a bell choir and we performed a very sad song in Washington, D. C. for parents of children who had been kidnapped and murdered.

Sarah Anne Wood, I remember.

“Light Their Way Home,” it was called. Everybody cried, like really bad.

He never told anyone what he did with her body.

I think they shoved a broomstick up his ass in prison and broke it in half.

The guards were cool with it.

Because they kill bad people.

Sometimes I get a bad feeling about somebody and when I stare into their eyes,

They look away.

I don’t have superpowers, like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable,

But I do at the same time.

I can feel what others are feeling.

It’s a writer thing.

And it hurts.

It can hurt really bad.

But it gives me a strange sense of compassion.

Someday I want to write something that helps free modern slaves.

There are more slaves today than in 1850.

In Cambodia men from Europe and America can have sex with a 4 year old for a week for $400.

A four year old!

My ex-boss did that.

Why is he still alive?

They buy them from their parents for $100.

In Viet Nam.

I’m not joking.

I had to stop researching that screenplay after I read that.

I was sick for a while.

I will try again someday.

It’s a sick world we live in.

My son is 3.

He ran out of his room one day, crying scared.

I think he saw a ghost.

I hugged him tightly, telling him it was okay.

Then I thought:

Some kids who are hurt don’t have anyone to run to.

And everyone they run to is there to keep hurting them.

My blood pressure went to 4,305 after that. And I legit cried.

That’s why I kill bad people.

We live in white suburbia,

“Safe” from the horrors of the rest of the world.

Soccer moms sip skinny lattes and bitch about the dumbest shit.

Shit happens here too.

Sometimes you read about it in the news,

And sometimes they get caught.

But most of the time, I bet, they don’t.

There are red dots across the sex offender app.

Every good parent has checked that.

There are a lot of red dots.

That’s why I kill bad people.

I’m writing a movie where Tom Hardy plays a blue collar guy who was molested as a kid,

And he dates a girl who’s son is getting hurt.
And then kills that guy.

And then he gets rid of those red dots

One by one.

It’s important to enjoy life:

To forget for a minute or two about all the bad things.

But I’m always on the watch.

And I’m cursed with a good memory, a crazy imagination, and a really big heart.

That’s why I kill bad people.

My life will be successful if long after I die my son is a good man.

That is all really.

I hope he goes back and reads this between the lines.

When I was in lifeguard class

They said 99% of people do nothing in an emergency.

I’m not one of those people.

Fuck that.

I like being the guy who listens to his friends when they have shit going down.

Sometimes all you gotta do is listen.

I’m getting better at that.

Shut the fuck up and listen.

You ever see those Twitter or Facebook accounts of pretty girls that are really fronts for skeevy pimps who are whoring out some girl on a cam somewhere in urban America?

It happens all the time.

All these dirty men are “friends” with them.

I sent one a message once saying, “Are you okay? Do you need someone to save you?”

Until I realized,

She will never see that.

Makes me fuckin mad.

Nobody wants to do that.

I wish I was better with computers and shit.

I could find out where they are.

I’m writing this movie about these women who break out of captivity

And kill their captors.

It’s based on a true story.

I believe beautiful art can change the world.

Like Blood Diamond.

I helped out with The Stoning of Soraya, by the producer of Braveheart.

It won 2nd place in Toronto, next to Slumdog Millionaire.

I love that movie.

4 months after Soraya came out Iran banned stoning.

I got a call from the producer about it.

“We did that.”

I wanna do it again.

I kill bad people.

Bad people are always killing good people.

You see it on the news a lot.

Mother of fuck!

I believe if we all just understood each other, the world would know peace.

But that shit’s never gonna happen.

“Will God ever forgive us for what we done to each other?” - Leo in Blood Diamond

After he tells the story about how his parents got killed.

I teared up. Fuck.

He shoulda got the Oscar then.

You might see me around

I’m around.

I walk the places people don’t wanna go.

I keep my eyes open.

And I’m always on the watch.

I’m not afraid of anything,

And I’m pretty goddam tough when it comes down to it.

I hate talking politics, religion, bullshit,

And I don’t really care what people think;

I look at what they do.

I always try to do the right thing,

You just might not agree with me.

Stupid people will read this the wrong way.

I am already laughing.

I might not say “hi” if you see me

Maybe because I don’t wanna

And I might just be busy…

Because I kill bad people.

Dear Harrison

By Joe Cunningham

Dear Harrison,

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, and as you will know by now, you won’t ever do something unless you just do it.

I was driving to get you from your Mom’s one day, and someone cut me off. I felt how fragile my life was and how at any moment, in the everyday things, I could be gone. And I would never get a chance to tell you even a little bit of what I wanted to say.

So I decided to write this. And hopefully I am around when you understand it all.

This won’t be everything. I’m hoping I’ll be around long enough to be a pain in the ass and tell you more “-ism’s” and “wise things” that you will mostly find boring until maybe someday in your distant future, perhaps if you have a son of your own, or when you “get out there” and realize what it is like to be a man in this world, you will appreciate and find useful.

I trust that my friends will make sure you get to read this if I’m not there when you are old enough. I’m betting there will be kids that make fun of you for some of these things I am about to tell you but, trust me, they are just jealous their dad isn’t such a badass motherfucker.

 

1. If

By Rudyard Kipling. It is your Dad’s favorite poem and says more than he can ever say. I yelled it out loud at your grandparents’ house when I first got out of the seminary when I was 24. I didn’t know where the hell I was gonna go at the time. But that poem become part of my blood.

Your Uncle Kevin used it in his Best Man speech when your Mother and I got married. Memorize it. You will someday make decisions based on it if you think about it enough.

Also “Invictus” has helped me son. That one is your Uncle Kevin’s favorite.

2. Climb Mount Washington

There is a story about mountain climbers. People who never scale those heights ask them, “Why do you climb that mountain?” and they reply, “Because it’s there.”

When your Father was a boy and all the way through college, he used to run mountains with his friends and kids from boarding school. It was hard in the beginning, but your Dad was “an animal” they would say.

One time, only the toughest volunteered to do the Presidential Range when we were on vacation in New Hampshire. It’s something like 12 peaks, 26 or some-odd miles. We were two teams of 5, we met at Mount Washington and exchanged car keys. Some of the guys on the other team didn’t make it. The fast altitude changes made us all sick. Normally you do that hike in 3 days. We did it in 12 hours.

I don’t think I’ve ever been more sore in my life, but it was something I will never forget. It made me feel I could do anything.

When you get up on the top of that mountain, look out there and think of me, and know that you can do anything you really want to do. Hopefully we can do that together.

3. Do what you love.

Perhaps my favorite speech is this clip of Jim Carrey giving a commencement address. Your Dad does a great Jim Carrey impression as you probably will know (and hate) by now.

It took your Dad a long time to figure it out, and life never really ends when you think you got all your shit together, son. It’s about being responsible and also being able to enjoy the present moment, because that’s all you got, but it’s also the time you have to prepare for the future for you and the ones you love.

When your Dad graduated with a creative writing degree, he went into marketing, because that was a seemingly logical step to make money off of his passion and talent. Though I don’t regret the friends I made, and everything happens for a reason, that was a fucking stupid idea in itself.

After 7 years of getting burnt out and highs and lows of doing great and sucking ass, I realized I had to separate “the money making thing” from “the passion.” I got a job that I can leave at work, left the ones that had me chained to my email inbox, and God, “that has made all the difference.” (Robert Frost, read that shit.)

Right now I’m working on a book about Lawrence Gabriel, who you hopefully know very well. He’s a fucking hero and he doesn’t even think so, someone your Dad wants to be like, and someone who deserves being looked up to.

And I’m doing on my own time, when you’re with your Mom and I’m not working. I miss you kid, more than I can say, but two moments that I really feel alive are when I am with you and when I am writing something good.

Find a way to do what you love kid. Do what makes you feel alive. I will always support you in that.

4. Just be you.

You’re never gonna be perfect kid. If you’re reading this when you’re about 15 years old, you’ll probably be going through the emotional battle I went through when I first got hair on my balls and did about 3,000 push-ups a day.

You’re always gonna be rough around the edges, and after 30 fucking years of that, I realized that I like that about myself.

Your parents named you after Harrison Ford because he is like that: someone who has character flaws but is a man’s man: he says what he means, no bullshit, and stands up for and protects women and children. I always felt an actor couldn’t portray someone he was not in some way, and you can read about how he saved people in his helicopter and whatnot.

(Watch all of his movies, especially Raiders, Fugitive, the Jack Ryans, Regarding Henry, and Witness. And Adaline. And the one your Dad writes for him. There’s something there kid: that’s why you have the name.)

We improve ourselves everyday: eat healthy, read, work out, work on our habits and try to form virtues. Never stop that. There have been times your Dad let himself lose “it,” but he got it back again.

You will never be “perfect,” but I think that’s perfect in itself.

There is only one perfect man in my book, and I hope you get to know him as I did when I was away in Dublin as a hermit for those years.

You don’t have to be a hermit to do that.

5. Don’t give away your trust like you give money to cashiers.

“Your Father worked with Hyman Roth, but he never trusted Hyman Roth.”

- The Godfather, Part II

There are a lot of shady shit people in this world kid. No doubt you’ve met more than a few of them. Some of them “are like wolves in sheep’s clothing.” You will get wiser as you get fucked over, but that’s life kid.

You go from being naive to getting scorned. Just don’t loose the goodness and don’t hate everyone because of what one person did to you.

There’s a reason why Dickens (your Dad’s fav author, read Tale, his favorite book) wrote Oliver Twist. And, analogously, why Rowling wrote Harry Potter, which, I’m guessing is one of your nicknames, because of your name and matching scars, that your Father has also.

It’s because of that. They were able to stay good despite the worst possible things happening to them.

Which brings me to my next point.

6. Don’t play the blame game.

Sylvester Stallone said it better than I ever will here kid. The first Rocky will always be the greatest, but this is the very best speech. It changed your Dad’s life forever.

I been through my fair share of shit kid, but when I looked back after this speech, I realized most of life’s shit comes from the decisions you made, and then there’s the shit that just happens. How you deal with all of that is what makes you a real man or a fucking loser.

Which leads to…

7. Be a real man.

There are a lot of biological men out there kid, but very few real men. I swear if you are a fucking doosh I will rise up from my grave and beat the living shit out of you.

You need to protect women. Respect them. (I knew you would treat women like I treat your Mom now, so even though we don’t always agree, I am aware of that when I talk to her for your sake.) Protect children, the innocent. You need to be the one that stands up for what is right, even when it’s not popular, even when there will be really tough consequences.

Let me tell you kid, the real riches are in character; everything else flows from that.

8. Always seek the truth wherever it may be found.

Your Dad came from an overly-conservative background. People that think they have all the answers. Fortunately, he was able to break outta that, while still keeping the good things he learned.

Some of the worst people in the world are the ones who think they fuckin know everything. Beware of those people! The wise man knows there is so much he does not know.

All of the best philosophers and teachers were able to look at all sorts of different cultures and peoples and find the truth that was there within, the common thread we all have in our hearts to cut through the bullshit and really know and do what is best.

Don’t ever look down on someone because of what they look like or where they came from. There is something to be learned from everyone kid. Obviously, some more than others. Stay humble.

9. Seek true love.

It exists kid. I’ve felt it.

“What is love?” - Phil Collins (great fucking song, haha)

True love is the very best feeling you can feel. (But also "More Than A Feeling" - another great song.) You really have to risk your whole heart to find it, and if you lose it, it is the very worst feeling in the world kid. It will take the wind right out of you and no sword can cut deeper or hurt worse.

But it is worth it.

It makes life come alive, it is the comfort you only dreamed of, it makes sex something ethereal that is more the communication of two people that are crazy about each other.

(I remembered this and added later): son, don't waste your time on girls without character. True beauty is on the inside. Of course, it's great to find someone who has both, and you will. Pretty is on the outside, beauty comes from within.

A wise person once told me: "Reflect what you desire." If you want to attract someone of worth, be someone of worth.

True there is a spectrum of the kinds of love. Siblings, parents, children, soul mates, friends, etc.

I love you son. I love you more than anyone or anything. I know I’m not perfect, by far, but I would die for you without thinking. And I live for you, which is the harder thing sometimes. But I love my life mainly because you are in it.

“I simply love you

More than I love

Life itself.”

- Elton John (who is better than Billy Joel kid)

I post a lot of pictures on Facebook and Instagram, hoping that in the future you will go back and see them and see how much your Daddy loves you. I love you kid.

“You want to know what my happy thought was?

It was you.”

-Robin Williams, Hook

It was you kid, it was always you.

“The two most important days of a man’s life are the day he was born and the day he finds out why.” - Mark Twain (read Joan of Arc by him, your Father’s 2nd fav book

You are my why kid. You and the people who read the small sliver of my writing that isn’t total fucking shit.

10. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry you didn’t have an easy life kid. You will have heard the stories over and over from many different people (like Citizen Kane, which you need to watch) about how your Mom and I were married for like 5 minutes. The important thing for you to remember is: I will never regret it because I got you.

I miss not seeing your sister and brother and you all the time, but trust me kid, it is better this way.

Your Dad is very much not perfect. But he tries to be all the things I just wrote about here. And I know what I write and what I say won’t really stand up against two shits flying in the wind (WTF?); it is what I do that you will really remember and take to heart.

I am aware of that. And I think about it all the time.

You will hear many stories about me, some of them good, some bad - and some of both of those will be true. I hope you are able to discern which. Your Father was never a cheater, and he’s made a lot of mistakes, but he always tried to be a hero, which has sometimes worked against him.

What is more important than worrying about our legacy is what we do for others, and the quality of character we truly have. Good people will misjudge us (and bad), but it must not be the shit we worry about most.

11. I want you to fuck up.

What? Yeah.

Some of the best experiences and life lessons have come from me going out “there” on my own quest, on my own dime, with my own lack of experience and wisdom and coming back bruised, beaten, and a little bit wiser.

Just don’t go anywhere you can’t come back from.

And I will always be there for you kid. But I want you to be able to be able to take care of yourself too.

12. Your Dad is Batman.

But don’t tell anybody. (Hahaha.)

13. Enjoy the moment, kid.

If I could go back and tell myself one thing, it would be that. I spent most of my life til recently just thinking about the “next thing” and distant future plans that I hadn’t begun, and not the here and now.

The present is everything that is real. We use it to deal with the past and plan for the future but you’ve got to enjoy it. That’s really the secret to life kid. That and we were meant for more than this world. “Our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” We have infinite desires that can only be satisfied by something/One infinite.

Yesterday, you were with your Mom and I had the day off so I ran around Green Lakes. Your Father loves to run and listen to good music. No doubt you heard me sing in the shower like all the time, or blast music in the car. Your uncles and I inherited that from your Grandfather (“Beepa,” as you call him.)

Find what you love (again) and do that with the people you love. That’s the shit right there kid.

I used to think “It’s not only the destination but the journey” was a motto for losers, but those are the people who really have it figured out there kid. Have goals and work towards them and attain them, but enjoy getting there son.

And the real “there” isn’t even “here.”

14. Put on your own oxygen mask before you help the person next to you put on theirs.

Someday you’ll understand this. You’re Daddy fucked that up and learned that.

15. You become like the people you spend the most time with.

Choose that shit wisely, and be able to shift if need be.

16. Remember the world doesn’t owe you jack shit!

You gotta “earn it” kid. (Saving Private Ryan)

Don’t ever expect a free ride or a handout, from anybody! That will make you weak as shit. And the day will soon come when none of that is there and then you’ll be fucked. You gotta work for everything that is truly worth anything.

Remember that.

17. Beauty will save the world.

 "Beauty is truth, and truth beauty; that is all yea need to know on earth, that is all that you can know." - Keats

Your Father is an artist and a semi-decent writer sometimes and he loves music like the lifeblood that flows through his body.

Go to the art galleries, watch great movies, read great books, listen to the music that makes you feel alive son! Find your favorites and just cherish those! And don’t be ashamed of any of it.

(And go outdoors - art reflects nature and the opposite can also be true.)

I never wanna be that jackass dad who decides everything for you and puts you in all sorts of extracurricular shit. I want you to be you and do what you want. And I will enjoy seeing exactly what that is.

You’re so cute when you sing with me in the car. Haha. All your girlfriends are gonna thank me for adding that. (Haha!)

18. Keep a journal and write down your goals.
Thanks to my buddy Mark, I do that. Most everyday. And it helps a whole goddam lot kid. 

"The lightest ink is stronger than the strongest memory." - Chinese proverb

It just helps you get the important shit into focus, to go for it, and get it done.

19. Just remember I love you.

I know you’re going to hate my guts and shit. God knows I did that to your grandparents and put them through hell.

But I love you son. And if I do my “job” right, you’re gonna hate me at some point.

I get you tomorrow. And I can’t wait kid. (Your Mom and I split the week.) You and I do this thing where I tell you I love you and you say “I love you back” and then I say “I love you more” and you reply I love you “most-er,” and I “mostest," and “mosterest” and “more than that.” And I know, even though you are three, that’s real kid.

You can be a real pain in my ass sometimes (it’s part of the deal, and it goes both ways), but you gotta know that I would kill for you. And that I can’t be there all the time to protect you from everything. And that will help make you a man. It scares the shit outta me, but at the same time, in some ways, I want that for you.

It’s like when you get sick, which you may know if you ever give me grandkids, I feel it more kid, even if I’m not sick at the time.

Because I love you.

--------

I’m gonna think of 50 other things to say after I post this, but I’ll end here. I’m sure you’ll hear 5 million more from me (and roll your eyes) as the years go by. I hope I’m there to see you do all the great things you’re gonna do. And know I’m already so goddam proud of you, son.

I am not the best Father a boy could have, but you are the best son; and don’t you ever think otherwise.

With all my heart son,

Your Father

Joseph Thomas Martin Cunningham