Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Letter to [Name]

I was driving the other day and felt strongly that I should release this into the universe. I didn't know why really, so I let it go a couple of days.

I wrote this letter in March of this year, months after the events within had transpired. I never sent it to the intended recipient, and don't think I ever will; even though most of the sentiments within, I believe, will never really go away.

Just because it isn't what it used to be doesn't mean it wasn't what it was.

Nothing people say to you in times like this really helps; but I got up this morning feeling that, someday, someone will read this, and know they are not alone.


Letter to [Name]  

When I saw your picture
I never thought you would message me back
You were too pretty
But I messaged anyway.
And you messaged back.

When we “talked”
I felt you were cooler and funnier than anyone I had ever known
But strong, and mature beyond your years.
From the pain.

When we met
You were even more beautiful
Than I’d imagined
And I didn’t think I had a chance
So it was easy to be cool.
And we became the best of friends.
I remember we talked for hours
And I didn’t want it to end.

I loved our walks together
And the ghost hunts
And how you wanted me around
Your bar til late
The other til later
And how we’d talk til early in the morning
And get donuts, coffee,
Attack spiders, trees, and rocks -
I felt alive with you.
I wanted to take your time
And you told me to take as much as I wanted…

And we were our favorite thing to do.

I remember feeling so happy
When you texted me
We made each other smile.
And that night we hugged
The first time.
It must have been for hours.
I still remember the smell of your hair.
LAF hugs. How we couldn’t let go of each other.

I remember the night I first kissed you
How it felt like magic.

And how we were together the night after
And after that.

I wanted to be with you
From the first moment.
I was afraid because I felt I wasn’t good enough
Without all my shit together.
I was always surprised you wanted me
When you could have anyone.

And I loved you from the beginning.

I was afraid the day would come when you would realize I wasn’t good enough.
And you would dump me.
And I was right.

Those few months as your boyfriend were the very best of my life.
I never felt as I had felt
Nor had someone cared so much about me.
And I loved your daughter.
I have never seen a more beautiful, happy kid.
I loved her so much.

Do you remember the night under the moon?
We kissed and
They said it only happened every 20 years or so.
And I wanted to do all that again
With you
When it happened again.
And every time it happened.

I loved how joyful you were,
Hanging out with your friends,
Being goofy on the wine tour
And talking to you on the phone.

I’m sorry I wasn’t the best boyfriend.
I’ve watched the replays in my mind
Of almost every waking moment.
I coulda done so much better.
You deserved so much better.

I wanted to write a real poem
Something happy when we were together
And a sad one about after.
And one about how I was okay,
But the last one would have been a lie.

We texted a few times after.
I said too much, things you didn’t want to hear.
I left you alone
I just wanted you to be happy.

I miss you like hell.
I thought I’d never see you again.
I knew we’d never be together again.

I saw you everywhere but you weren’t there.
I felt your presence far away.
I stayed away. Because I’m no stalker.
I am a gentleman.
Even though I’m a rebel without a cause.
I want you to feel that I respected you
By my absence.

I remember that night.
You weren’t happy to see me.
We hadn’t talked for a while.
I know I was cool when you did it.
But I’m not gonna lie
I tried to go home and run
But I went home and cried
And I never cry.

I cried every night that week.
And inside ever since.
It took me a while to breathe again.
I still have trouble.
And it’s not the asthma.

Every song reminds me of you
Every story
The jokes we used to tell
They aren’t funny anymore.

I see your sister at Starbucks.
She doesn’t talk to me anymore.
I’m not trying to talk to her either.

I had to get rid of everything.
I didn’t want to but it hurt too much.
I’m pretty good with words but
Now not so much.

I still wonder
When you broke up with me you said it was you, not me.
But the last time we texted you said
You would never change your mind about me
And we never got to talk about it.
So it was me.
But I will never understand.
And it hurt. It hurts a lot.

I didn’t write you, call you,
I haven’t sent this to you
Because I didn’t want to bother you.

I figured out a lot since then.
I had an awakening.
About living in the now
The quality, the width of life.
I’m walking in a better direction
The road less traveled.
I was running down the other one.

I wanted you to know I never told anyone the things you didn’t want anyone to know.

I miss you [NAME LASTNAME].
I miss you a lot.

And I know on the other end of this you don’t miss me.

I saw you the other day with [DAUGHTER’s NAME].
You had seen me first and you were going in the other direction.
I went home after that.
So you wouldn’t think I was stalking you.

Because I still love you.
I never got to tell you that.
And never will.

I really want you to be happy.
And realize how incredibly beautiful you are.

Because you are
The most beautiful person I have ever known.

And for a short time,
I was kissed by a rose.

I got on all the apps
To do as you said
And “move on.”
I met a few for coffee
But no one clicked.
I was spoiled with you.
And I haven’t been able to be with anyone since you.
And not because I couldn’t.
I just couldn’t.
They weren’t you. You were by far the best.

I miss you [NAME].
I just want you to be happy.
I’m glad it was me and not you that got hurt.

You didn’t know that I knew who you were and still loved you.
You were my kind of perfect.
You told me I was yours once.

I listen to a lot of music to try to help.
I run a lot.

People say time heals everything
And that someday I’ll be okay.
I wish I could believe that.

I don’t ever remember my dreams.
But you have been in them.
And I’m remembering those.

When I lay down I remember
All the times we used to cuddle together.

I don’t think I ever felt better
Than in those moments.

I am a writer and I don’t know how to finish this.
I guess this is how it ends.

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