Monday, June 13, 2016

I Kill Bad People

By Joe Cunningham

I kill bad people.

I bet that’s not something you hear everyday.

My friends call me Dexter.
Maybe it’s because I look like him, talk like him, and have a similar demeanor;
Maybe it’s because I have a cute blonde son named Harrison
And his mom has another boy and girl,
Or because I kill bad people.
Or all of the above.

That’s right,
I kill bad people.

I do a lot of things.
I’m a waiter, I’m a writer (kind of goes hand in hand),
I have my own business.
And I teach.
So when people ask me what I do for a living I just say,
“I kill bad people.”

And it’s fun to see the looks on their faces,
‘Cause I don’t flinch.

Just bad people though.

People say I’m crazy,
And I am.
I think all the best people are.
I used to “try to fit in,”
And suck the corporate dick -
But I stopped that shit some time ago.
“And that has made all the difference.”
Which reminds me
I need to return some videotapes.

(“I’ll leave that in there for the scholars.” - Brian, Family Guy)

I like the way I am.
It’s fucked up but I’m cool with it.

I once knocked down three guys in like 5 seconds.
We were pugil stick fighting.
It was me or them.
And I didn’t really want to get my face knocked in.
I think I broke one’s nose.
They didn’t die.

I only kill really bad people.

Girls who are friends of mine text me sometimes
When they don’t feel safe.
I’ve walked a few of them out to their cars.
I hold the door.
Lots of people say it’s old fashioned.
Like The Dark Ages.
I don’t mind because
I’d like to think of myself as a modern knight.
A Dark Knight.

My son thinks I’m Batman.
“Daddy is Batman,” I tell him, in a gruff voice.
I’ve successfully brainwashed him.
But it’s true.
Michael Keaton killed people in the 1989 version.
He knew what the fuck he was doing.
I am Batman. And I kill bad people.

The Punisher is also the shit.
And Jon Bernthal should get the Emmy.

I named my son after Harrison Ford because he’s a badass.
Name the movie: badass.

If Harrison Ford and Batman had a baby it would be me, or Dexter, or both.
“You’ve met me at a very strange time in my life.” - Fight Club
(Also for the scholars.)

I stand up for people who don’t stand up for themselves.
I saved a little kid once.
His uncle, I think he was the uncle, was touching his penis in a public bathroom.
Not anymore.

I don’t think that what I do is bad,
Killing bad people.
Sometimes I wonder if someone else who kills bad people will and
There will be a showdown.
Well that motherfucker doesn’t stand a chance.

Because I kill bad people.

And I mean bad people.
I was a seminarian once. For seven years.
The guy in charge died when he was 80-somethin and all his life they accused him of shit.
The people in charge always told us it was slander.
Until a year after he died.
They told us he stole a lot of money and fathered some kids.
Which, whatever.
And a year later told us he raped lots of little boys too.

If he were alive today he’d be dead.

Because I kill bad people.

He never saw justice.
And they knew about it.

Lots of girls I know got raped.
It’s a shitty world we live in.
I wish I coulda been there and killed that motherfucker.
Most of them get away with it.


My uncle is a city cop: detective in charge of cold cases:
Probably one of the smartest, coolest people I know.
Like Steve McQueen’s Bullit.
It’s a wonder he hasn’t figured it out by now.

I sub in the city schools.
I wear sunglasses and my leather jacket.
“Indiana Jones wears one.”
The bad kids are afraid of me.
It’s pretty funny actually.
“I kill bad people,” I tell them. And,
“The best place to hide is out in the open.”

I stopped one of them from killing another one day
Or at least inflicting permanent brain damage.
(It happens all the time.)
He threw a dictionary at another kid’s head - and not a small one,
Then he came in for the flying kick.
He didn’t make it that far.
I threw him to the ground,
Then out of my classroom.
Harrison Ford-style.
They got it on video.
All the kids had it, I didn’t see it.

I don’t care.
Because I kill bad people.

My friend got raped in the city once,
Right in the middle of the street.
Homeless guy I still see around came and saved her.
I give him a dollar every time I see him (I don’t normally give them money),
Because he’s like me.

He kills bad people.

I was gonna be a Marine officer once.
Because they are the baddest at killing bad people.
I was top of my class,
Got a perfect score on the fitness test.
I was gonna make it,
But I dropped out for my kid.
After I had convinced myself being away from him that long was gonna be the best thing for him.
After me and his mom split.
It wasn’t.
My recruiter wasn’t happy.
Said if I left his office I could never come back.
I left.
And felt a rush of adrenaline, like I was Batman or something.
I’ll never regret it.
I love my son.
People say I’m a “great Dad” for doing that,
But I say “no,”
I’m just a fuck.
A real man woulda never even considered leaving.
And I’m often ashamed I even ever thought about it.

I kill bad people now anyway.

I watched my friend get humped in the kitchen at the restaurant we worked at by our boss
In front of everyone.
She looked like a deer caught in the headlights.
He was laughing. With his fupa. Fucking dick.
He humped her for a good minute or so.
None of us could move, the cooks, nothing.
Our mouths were open.
Fuck, I wanted to kill him.
I just remember thinking how I was gonna rip his face off,
And at the same time thinking about how I wouldn’t be there for my son if I was in jail.
I still regret not doing anything.
To this day.

Now I kill bad people.

What a fuck.

I run at night sometimes, in the city.
I know all the streets.
I know the bad parts of town
Where you “shouldn’t go.”
But I’m the guy you don’t wanna meet in a dark alley
If you’re bad people.

I’m writing a book about a guy who saved a bunch of people from gettin’ killed.
He doesn’t like being called a hero
But he is.
Maybe I will be more like him after I finish writing it.
You become like the people you spend the most time with.

Choose wisely.

Liam Neeson did it right in Taken, the first one.
I think all good men would want to be him in that situation.
I take my kid to the zoo a lot.
I almost flipped my shit on a guy who came up to my son.
I was “this” close.
I was very close.
He got too close.
If someone even thinks about my son the wrong way I would kill him.
All good parents know what I’m talking about.

I kill bad people.

It’s nice to think that maybe we will live in a world where that is not necessary.
But we won’t.
Not this world anyway.

When I was a boy I was in a bell choir and we performed a very sad song in Washington, D. C. for parents of children who had been kidnapped and murdered.
Sarah Anne Wood, I remember.
“Light Their Way Home,” it was called. Everybody cried, like really bad.
He never told anyone what he did with her body.
I think they shoved a broomstick up his ass in prison and broke it in half.
The guards were cool with it.
Because they kill bad people.

Sometimes I get a bad feeling about somebody and when I stare into their eyes,
They look away.
I don’t have superpowers, like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable,
But I do at the same time.
I can feel what others are feeling.
It’s a writer thing.
And it hurts.
It can hurt really bad.
But it gives me a strange sense of compassion.
Someday I want to write something that helps free modern slaves.
There are more slaves today than in 1850.

In Cambodia men from Europe and America can have sex with a 4 year old for a week for $400.
A four year old!
My ex-boss did that.
Why is he still alive?
They buy them from their parents for $100.
In Viet Nam.
I’m not joking.
I had to stop researching that screenplay after I read that.
I was sick for a while.
I will try again someday.

It’s a sick world we live in.

My son is 3.
He ran out of his room one day, crying scared.
I think he saw a ghost.
I hugged him tightly, telling him it was okay.
Then I thought:
Some kids who are hurt don’t have anyone to run to.
And everyone they run to is there to keep hurting them.
My blood pressure went to 4,305 after that. And I legit cried.

That’s why I kill bad people.

We live in white suburbia,
“Safe” from the horrors of the rest of the world.
Soccer moms sip skinny lattes and bitch about the dumbest shit.
Shit happens here too.
Sometimes you read about it in the news,
And sometimes they get caught.
But most of the time, I bet, they don’t.
There are red dots across the sex offender app.
Every good parent has checked that.
There are a lot of red dots.

That’s why I kill bad people.

I’m writing a movie where Tom Hardy plays a blue collar guy who was molested as a kid,
And he dates a girl who’s son is getting hurt.
And then kills that guy.
And then he gets rid of those red dots
One by one.

It’s important to enjoy life:
To forget for a minute or two about all the bad things.
But I’m always on the watch.
And I’m cursed with a good memory, a crazy imagination, and a really big heart.

That’s why I kill bad people.

My life will be successful if long after I die my son is a good man.
That is all really.

I hope he goes back and reads this between the lines.

When I was in lifeguard class
They said 99% of people do nothing in an emergency.
I’m not one of those people.

Fuck that.

I like being the guy who listens to his friends when they have shit going down.
Sometimes all you gotta do is listen.
I’m getting better at that.
Shut the fuck up and listen.

You ever see those Twitter or Facebook accounts of pretty girls that are really fronts for skeevy pimps who are whoring out some girl on a cam somewhere in urban America?
It happens all the time.
All these dirty men are “friends” with them.
I sent one a message once saying, “Are you okay? Do you need someone to save you?”
Until I realized,
She will never see that.
Makes me fuckin mad.
Nobody wants to do that.
I wish I was better with computers and shit.
I could find out where they are.

I’m writing this movie about these women who break out of captivity
And kill their captors.
It’s based on a true story.
I believe beautiful art can change the world.
Like Blood Diamond.

I helped out with The Stoning of Soraya, by the producer of Braveheart.
It won 2nd place in Toronto, next to Slumdog Millionaire.
I love that movie.
4 months after Soraya came out Iran banned stoning.
I got a call from the producer about it.
“We did that.”
I wanna do it again.

I kill bad people.

Bad people are always killing good people.
You see it on the news a lot.
Mother of fuck!

I believe if we all just understood each other, the world would know peace.
But that shit’s never gonna happen.
“Will God ever forgive us for what we done to each other?” - Leo in Blood Diamond
After he tells the story about how his parents got killed.
I teared up. Fuck.
He shoulda got the Oscar then.

You might see me around
I’m around.
I walk the places people don’t wanna go.
I keep my eyes open.
And I’m always on the watch.
I’m not afraid of anything,
And I’m pretty goddam tough when it comes down to it.
I hate talking politics, religion, bullshit,
And I don’t really care what people think;
I look at what they do.
I always try to do the right thing,
You just might not agree with me.

Stupid people will read this the wrong way.
I am already laughing.

I might not say “hi” if you see me
Maybe because I don’t wanna
And I might just be busy…

Because I kill bad people.


  1. Me a gustado muchísimo. Ves el mundo como debe de ser. Keep it up!!!

    1. Muchas gracias oveja.

      Veo el mundo tal como es. Me gustaría que fuera un lugar mejor.

      Rock on brother.