A Few Things You Should Know When You Go Out to Eat
By Joe Cunningham
I’ve read so many posts like this on the internet: BuzzFeed and whatnot. This one won’t be dramatically different or comprehensive; but I have been a waiter for half my goddam life and I’ve seen everything (except that pube hair stuff on the movie Waiting), so I know what I’m fucking talkin about.
Take this as a public service announcement to all the assholes, bitches, and cunts out there that this applies to. You know who you are.
And to my brothers and sisters in “the hospitality industry” - these shots are for you!
- I don’t like you.
See this smile on my face? It’s fake. Me asking you how you are doing? I don’t give a shit. I’m really good at pretending: I make a living off it and have 3 Academy Awards.
So don’t ask me if I’m having a bad day, try to give me a hug, or expect me to remember any part of your life story. Order your food, eat it, pay me, and then get the fuck out.
- We have menus for a reason.
When you give us a fucking laundry list of special preps for your “make your own sandwich” and then say “I hope that won’t be too much trouble” and add “I’m sorry” with your suburban mom smile, know that we wish you were slow-burning in hell at that moment - you and your whole fucking family.
And when we reply, “That won’t be a problem,” with a smile on our face, we are lying. It will be a problem. And we hate you.
- You know what’s gluten free?
Sucking on my dick is gluten free. Also shutting the fuck up and driving yourself off the nearest gluten free bridge works for us as well.
- Acting like we are stupid.
I have a college degree, was a professor, and worked many desk-jockey jobs just like yours before I decided I hated those more than this.
So when you - every suburban mom not getting fucked by her cheating husband in the entire world - tell me not once but three times to “put $30 on the blue credit card and $40 on the red one,” and then you ask me “if [I] can do that”! - I am moments away from bitch slapping your face in front of your cunt friends.
We don’t do this because we got nothin else. And we’re not fucking stupid; we are probably smarter than your wrinkly dumb ass every day of the week.
- To asswipes that leave no tip:
I been stiffed about a dozen times over about the same number of years I been a waiter. I might have deserved it once when we were busy and I was new.
The other times I didn’t. I busted my ass for you. On an average busy night I walk about 5 miles back and forth from that goddamn kitchen for your ass so you can sit there and chew your goddam food and not wash dishes that night. (That’s no lie, you can track it on your smartphone.)
When you leave $0.00 for a tip, it ain’t funny. That’s my rent, my son’s food, and the gas I put in my car to come here to serve your ass. And when you do it with a credit card, guess what? I get to pay a fee to process the payment for your goddam food so - that’s right - I just paid you to serve you your fucking dinner.
If you ever walk in that door again, I refuse to serve you.
- If you have to wait a few minutes.
First of all, shut the fuck up. Look the fuck around. I’m not standing here jerking off. I’ve probably got 6 other tables that are just as “special” as you that are waiting for me as well.
If we are good servers, we have you on a rotation, so we don’t have to get all your shit at the same time. Trust me, it’s probably above your I.Q. level.
Don’t give me that fucking shrugging your shoulders thing, if you ordered a well done steak, it’s not coming out three goddamn minutes later. There are about five cooks busting their asses harder than you ever prostituted yours to get everyone’s food out.
So shut the fuck up and wait.
- “So what else do you do?”
I do this. Yeah, I’m a writer and stuff but this is a “real job” bitch. I make real money and pay real bills and have a real life when I’m not here pretending to like you and every stupid thing you say.
Be a little more condescending why don’tcha?
- If we close in 15 minutes, you didn’t just make it!
I see this all the time. You just made it if you got here maybe an hour before close. Otherwise take your fat ass to Mickey D’s.
If you sit down at 10:57 and “kitchen closes at 11,” we hate you with everything we got you inconsiderate bastard.
I don’t come into your 9-5 at 4:55PM and expect a full rectum check right then and there because “I just made it.”
Trust me, I got something in my rectum just for you fuckers.
- Just be nice.
The truth is, I’m not an asshole. Some of the best people hands down I know work as servers/bartenders. We are usually brutally honest, hardworking people and it’s a tough goddam job. And we know most of you are well-intentioned, good people. And we don’t hate, most of you.
Just remember to “treat others as you want to be treated.” You wouldn’t treat your dog the way some of you treat us. We aren’t your personal slaves, strippers, or shrinks. You can go pay for that elsewhere. We give you food and drinks and somewhat honest smiles and you give us money; that’s how it fuckin works.
So don’t fuck it up, and “enjoy your meal folks!”