Quarter

Stopped at Aldi’s near my house to pick up groceries on my way home from work. Had on my black leather jacket and food stains on my black work pants.

I saw a couple of suits walking around, not shopping, while I was there. I’m not dumb. I asked the cashier: she said one of them was the president of the company.

They all were retreating into a locked room as I was leaving; but I had the urge to talk to him, for a moment, about the sales company I have. An account like this would make me rich almost overnight.


But I didn’t go to the door. Instead I left, and then driving towards my apartment, I turned my car around and went back to the store.

I walked right up to him. He was tall and obviously the one by the way he carried himself. His haircut was off though.

I shook his hand and handed him the quarter I used for the shopping cart.

“Thank you,” I said. I told him how I had been through hard times and I was always able to take care of my son coming here. Told him I had just come from work and I pitched him my business on the spot.

He replied in typical dick fashion and gave me back the quarter with a quick smile.

I walked out to my car, flipping the coin, feeling the blood pulse through my arm like it never had. When I got home I taped it to my wall.

I feel like I got somethin’ better than all the money I woulda got if I had landed that long-shot deal: I knew I wasn’t afraid of anything.

Sam Cooke

Had an hour to kill, my 9:15 moved to 10, so I went to the mall to get coffee ‘cause it was close by. It’s not my normal thing.

The barista was 3 or 4 generations after when I had come here a lot. Met my son’s mother here. I always tell him that - upbeat - ‘cause I want it to be a good thing he remembers. Maybe that’s why I don’t do this anymore.

Thought I’d kill some time walking, had my headphones in playing Sam Cooke. I was dressed in my only suit and looked amazing. A gay shop keeper passed me like I passed hot girls in school.

Those are the only people here in the mornings: people who work here and mall walkers, and gym rats who I observed piling in the side entrance like they were late in all sorts of ill-fitting spandex.

Some of the mall walkers were already sitting in their VFW groups. They all had coffee from a different shop. They talked and laughed; they looked alive, they looked happy.

Others were struggling to do the required miles as I passed them, dressed in the latest elderly wear. Lots of couples, no one walking next to the other just in close proximity.

I love this mall.

I chose to walk the old mall. It’s the smell really, the combined caramel corn with perfume stench that brings back all that childhood wonder. I don’t remember anything in particular, I just remember how I felt.

The coffee’s hot.

Got offered an audition for another movie last night. I stepped a little quicker and stood up straighter. I was different now. Shot my student film here with my brothers Dre and Drew. I buy Dre a business license today. Shooting that film was one of the best days of my life. Top 5.

I played Sam Cooke’s “Change Is Gonna Come” on purpose. Last time I was here I played “Chain Gang.”

I was different now: I wasn’t walkin’ in circles anymore; I was going somewhere.

Drive

Drove this lady in her 40’s. It was late. Picked her up at one of the lesser-knowns on Tipp Hill. I could tell she was distraught as soon as she got in my car. There’s an air about people I can sense from a mile away.

I was playing Kanye that I didn’t like too loud and she asked me to turn it down. She was on the phone. I heard “they didn’t tell me why he was in timeout!” and “would you let them spend the night there?”

She set the wrong destination and was mad when I went where it said, but I let her be.

I pulled in and she asked me to wait. About two minutes later she was back with two little girls. One might have been 5, the other in her arms asleep maybe 3. I didn’t get a good look.

I helped her fix things on her phone after we hastily left the driveway. An older lady followed the car most of the way down.

I switched the music to Moby’s ambients which made the car just glide over the black and orange pavement. A very gentle snow was falling now.

The older daughter asked the mother, “Why did we have to leave Ra’s?” and without missing a beat she responded “we’re doing something tomorrow.”

The younger daughter woke up suddenly, gasping as if from a nightmare. She sighed right after, realizing she was in her mother’s arms, and fell back asleep.

“What are we doing tomorrow?” asked the older one.

“Going to church,” said the mother.

“You said we could skip it,” said the child.

“Not anymore,” she said.

I wrote this on a piece of paper weeks ago and put it in my desk

By Joe Cunningham






I wrote this on a piece of paper weeks ago and put it in my desk.
It’s still there.
I’m doing this from memory.

All of this seems like ancient history.



I don’t know why I’m writing this. It’s burning a hole in my desk, I suppose.
I’m doing better now. I don’t think about this stuff as much.
I got the lead in a movie. My business is doing good.
I decided to be positive. It worked.



I fixed a lot of things recently.
After my grandfather died I realized life’s too short not to.
He was somethin else. He was the real thing.



To my son, Harrison: I love you.

I love you more than anything.
When you read this someday and understand
I want you to know I’m sorry for all the times you saw me fall down because of this shit.
When all the veins came out of my head and I had to look away from you.
I’m hiding it all real good now.
I hope you never see that again.
I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.







To [NAME]:
You were in 6th grade when I was in kindergarten and I know now you didn’t know what you were doing but I didn’t know either and now I do.

To whatever the fuck your name is:
I’ve been in that kitchen for half my life.
I just got out.
I know you probly don’t remember.
Your husband does.
I hate you.
Maybe you could describe to my ex-girlfriends what you did to me.
I know I couldn’t.
I know you probly couldn’t either.
You’re the reason I didn’t drink alcohol for a long time.



To that piece of shit rotting somewhere in Mexico:
I hope you’re in the bottom of that place you told us about,
Along with everyone that knew.






To the priest in Dublin:
Fuck you, man.
You’re just slime.

To the one we saw a lot more:
If I ever see you again it will be the last time.



To my sister Katie:
I fucking hate you for what you did to Ben.
He was like a son to me.
I know you’ll never understand what it feels like to look at you from where I’ve been.
I see you in them.
I wish I had been there instead of in that concentration camp for all those years.
Shit woulda played out differently.
I don’t care how sorry you are.



I forgave a lot of people that hurt me recently,
None of you made the list.
You’re not entitled to be on it.
If there’s a god who can forgive you for that there’s somethin wrong with him.



To that fucker in Thornwood:
It took me a long time to figure that shit out.
I figured it out.
I’m ok now.

To my extended family:
I love you.
I don’t think you’re ever gonna understand that you're never gonna understand me.
And all the bullshit is bullshit.




To all the people who thought they knew me when:
I’m never gonna be who you wanted me to be.
I’m ok with that.
It’s time for you to be.

I'm fucking amazing anyways.

To all the haters:
Go do somethin.




To my parents:
I love you so much. 

And I appreciate what you did for us.
But I hate you for what you did to us,
And I hate you more because you will never understand because you hold onto your beliefs like they are more important than we are.
I don’t expect you to ever understand.
I decided not to try anymore. In that regard.

You can read my book when it is done.
It’s called Let Me Down Gently.
My movie is an analogy.
I love you though.








To my friends:
I’m sorry I was gone for so long.
I’m back.

To my brothers and Llazmin:
Same.

To Lucy:
Don’t be like them.
I know that’s not gonna stop you.

To Haylee and Hayden:
I never cheated on your mom.
I will always love you but it’s better this way.

I hope you understand.

To Michelle:
I know what you did.
I don’t ever wanna see you again.




To [NameLastname]:
I understand now.
I’m sorry it took me so long.
This is why.
I’m ok now.
I know you are too.

To the girl I’m gonna be with:
You just gotta give me a second sometimes;
I’ll be alright, I promise.
Just hug me and don’t ask me why.
I promise I’ll do the same.


I'm Batman.

To Kevin:
I will always feel what you are feeling.

To Drew:
I love you.
Don’t ever doubt it.
That’s why I wrote it.

To Johnny Allen:
I know what happened to you in that field.
I was there.
I been there many times since you died there.

To Brian:
I know everything.

The blood is rushing through my body I can’t even move.

I’m running mountains again.
Fuck, it feels good.

I can see all the beautiful things now.





Hemingway said “write one true thing.”
I wrote more than one.
But if I had to pick just one it’d be
For me to say to all my shadows-

“You will never beat me,
You will never beat me.”