If By Any Chance

By Joe Cunningham

If by any chance

You read this.

Know that I was thinkin about you.

It’s still everyday. But not all the time

Anymore.

My friends all wouldn’t approve of me writin this.

Haha.

They all say I should “move on.” “Let go.”

What does that mean anyway?

I was hoping

By some chance

You could tell me.

I’ve become a better man, I think.

I’m James Deaning the shit outta things now.

My son and I. We spend a lot more time together.

I like it.

I finally like the person I’ve become.

I just miss you.

The other night I was high with my brothers and I felt pretty good about things ya know.

Like a peaceful easy feeling.

But I still missed you.

I just felt this reckless abandon.

But it wasn’t reckless.

It was probably the most sane thing I’ve ever felt.

I’m glad I felt it.

There’s a freedom in music. Good music and film - a truth.

Something you hear, something that rings.

I’m working on a new film. Something really good.

It’s about the most horrible things that go on everyday around here under our very noses.

Was talking to a guy who knew shit last week.

Cops followed me for the rest of the day.

My search history is full of girls who were taken.

I’m gonna save some of them.

‘Cause I’m Batman.

I saved one a few months ago.

By some chance.

And if by some chance you ever watch my movie,

Know that you were one of the characters.

I play the main character.

You were the one I didn't see until it was too late.

I think I feel what you are looking for.

I’ve thought about it quite a bit.

Compared myself to that.

Not gonna lie.

I’m not that.

I’m not sorry either.

I can’t get rid of the feelings.

I just can’t.

I banged a couple of my friends

One was good.

But she’s gone now.

I was trying to forget about you.

And I can’t.

I have this horribly good memory.

I’m seeing a shrink.

He tells me things I already know.

I talk most the time anyway.

I had hoped this rant was more poetic.

But it’s not.

It was supposed to be beautiful like the song I’m listening to right now.

My friends say I’ll “get over you.”

Someday.

I don’t really know if that’s gonna happen.

I really just wish you the best.

And that’s not me.

I don’t think by any chance you’ll ever want me back.

But if you do

I don’t know if I’ll be there

Anymore.

But for now:

If by any chance you’re looking for me

I’m downtown by the river

On that path we walked down

When we were just friends

And we felt like we could fly

By some chance.

Enjoy Your Meal

A Few Things You Should Know When You Go Out to Eat

By Joe Cunningham

I’ve read so many posts like this on the internet: BuzzFeed and whatnot. This one won’t be dramatically different or comprehensive; but I have been a waiter for half my goddam life and I’ve seen everything (except that pube hair stuff on the movie Waiting), so I know what I’m fucking talkin about.

Take this as a public service announcement to all the assholes, bitches, and cunts out there that this applies to. You know who you are.

And to my brothers and sisters in “the hospitality industry” - these shots are for you!

…………..

1. I don’t like you.

See this smile on my face? It’s fake. Me asking you how you are doing? I don’t give a shit. I’m really good at pretending: I make a living off it and have 3 Academy Awards.

So don’t ask me if I’m having a bad day, try to give me a hug, or expect me to remember any part of your life story. Order your food, eat it, pay me, and then get the fuck out.

2. We have menus for a reason.

When you give us a fucking laundry list of special preps for your “make your own sandwich” and then say “I hope that won’t be too much trouble” and add “I’m sorry” with your suburban mom smile, know that we wish you were slow-burning in hell at that moment - you and your whole fucking family.

And when we reply, “That won’t be a problem,” with a smile on our face, we are lying. It will be a problem. And we hate you.

3. You know what’s gluten free?

Sucking on my dick is gluten free. Also shutting the fuck up and driving yourself off the nearest gluten free bridge works for us as well.

4. Acting like we are stupid.

I have a college degree, was a professor, and worked many desk-jockey jobs just like yours before I decided I hated those more than this.

So when you - every suburban mom not getting fucked by her cheating husband in the entire world - tell me not once but three times to “put $30 on the blue credit card and $40 on the red one,” and then you ask me “if [I] can do that”! - I am moments away from bitch slapping your face in front of your cunt friends.

We don’t do this because we got nothin else. And we’re not fucking stupid; we are probably smarter than your wrinkly dumb ass every day of the week.

5. To asswipes that leave no tip:

I been stiffed about a dozen times over about the same number of years I been a waiter. I might have deserved it once when we were busy and I was new.

The other times I didn’t. I busted my ass for you. On an average busy night I walk about 5 miles back and forth from that goddamn kitchen for your ass so you can sit there and chew your goddam food and not wash dishes that night. (That’s no lie, you can track it on your smartphone.)

When you leave $0.00 for a tip, it ain’t funny. That’s my rent, my son’s food, and the gas I put in my car to come here to serve your ass. And when you do it with a credit card, guess what? I get to pay a fee to process the payment for your goddam food so - that’s right - I just paid you to serve you your fucking dinner.

If you ever walk in that door again, I refuse to serve you.

6. If you have to wait a few minutes.

First of all, shut the fuck up. Look the fuck around. I’m not standing here jerking off. I’ve probably got 6 other tables that are just as “special” as you that are waiting for me as well.

If we are good servers, we have you on a rotation, so we don’t have to get all your shit at the same time. Trust me, it’s probably above your I.Q. level.

Don’t give me that fucking shrugging your shoulders thing, if you ordered a well done steak, it’s not coming out three goddamn minutes later. There are about five cooks busting their asses harder than you ever prostituted yours to get everyone’s food out.

So shut the fuck up and wait.

7. “So what else do you do?”

I do this. Yeah, I’m a writer and stuff but this is a “real job” bitch. I make real money and pay real bills and have a real life when I’m not here pretending to like you and every stupid thing you say.

Be a little more condescending why don’tcha?

8. If we close in 15 minutes, you didn’t just make it!

I see this all the time. You just made it if you got here maybe an hour before close. Otherwise take your fat ass to Mickey D’s.

If you sit down at 10:57 and “kitchen closes at 11,” we hate you with everything we got you inconsiderate bastard.

I don’t come into your 9-5 at 4:55PM and expect a full rectum check right then and there because “I just made it.”

Trust me, I got something in my rectum just for you fuckers.

9. Just be nice.

The truth is, I’m not an asshole. Some of the best people hands down I know work as servers/bartenders. We are usually brutally honest, hardworking people and it’s a tough goddam job. And we know most of you are well-intentioned, good people. And we don’t hate, most of you.

Just remember to “treat others as you want to be treated.” You wouldn’t treat your dog the way some of you treat us. We aren’t your personal slaves, strippers, or shrinks. You can go pay for that elsewhere. We give you food and drinks and somewhat honest smiles and you give us money; that’s how it fuckin works.

So don’t fuck it up, and “enjoy your meal folks!”

I See You

By Joe Cunningham

I see you.

I know that most people don’t, but I do.

I know that you’re the kind of person that has enough money to become invisible.

I know you’re a lot older than me;

You’ve been around.

Everyday we wake up in the world you’ve helped create.

And everyone sees it, but doesn’t think about it.

You made deals with the “third world”

So now all our shit is made there

By kids.

You know there are more slaves today than when Lincoln was alive.

Because most of them work for you.

You say you care about women,

But you sell everything with sex.

We live in the mirage of a “justice system”

That you have bought.

If your son rapes a girl,

He will not go to jail.

If you embezzle millions,

Neither will you.

But the prisons you profit from are constantly full of minorities who have done much less.

You have 7 DUI’s

But none on your record.

You keep every other drug illegal

Because you don’t know how to make money off it yet.

And they help get people in your prisons.

You’ve already cured cancer

You just make more money off pumping people full of shit that doesn’t work.

You are constantly making new drugs

That we “need”

You pay doctors who prescribe them

Regardless of if they work.

You’ve invested in fast-food

To create more diseases

To sell us your drugs

To “fix” them.

Where are the healthy Happy Meals?

You squashed them.

You create financial “products” that are absolute shit.

While you are safe.

And when it all comes down again

You won’t go to jail.

And we will all pay the difference.

Again.

You fix every election,

Based on who will keep you in power.

It’s illegal for independent voters to vote in primaries.

And only those people get in.

You know this.

You molest little kids
Who
When they are old enough to talk about it
Can't. Legally
Because you gave it a "statute of limitations."
What the fuck!

You own the media.

Literally.

You killed our older brothers

Who died fighting for your oil.

You haven’t built electric cars

Because you can’t make as much money off those.

You have a guy who gets you through every loophole
So you don't pay taxes
While you go visit your only friends
In the Cayman Islands. 

How many countries in South America did you fuck up

And for what reason?

You write the history books

So our kids never learn about what you did to the natives when you got here.

Where are they now?

You piece of fucking shit.

You put your mother in a nursing home.

You have someone in charge of sending her cards.

Your kids all make the varsity team

And go to Ivy Leagues

Or else

You disown them.

You pressure kids into 5 or 6 figures of debt

So they can

Make “the investment”

Of college

When it cost the equivalent of a couple grand a year back in the day.

So they can work for your corporate shit companies

Til they die

To pay it off.

While you borrow money at a fraction of a percent to make more money.

You tell them to get mortgages

So they can be slaves to your banks.

You mail them credit cards

To spend money they don’t have

So you can own them.

You cheat on your trophy wife.

All the goddam time.

You go to church

Every Sunday.

You cured AIDs

But you just want all the gay people to die.

I saw Dallas Buyers.

That’s some real fucked up shit man.

Your Starbucks order takes a few minutes to say.

You have someone else get it for you anyway.

You pay women to have sex with you

One way or another.

You encourage everyone to laugh at anyone who talks like me

And say words like “conspiracy theory.”

You finance TV shows about it.

To underline that mentality as such.

You know where I live.

You listen to all my conversations,

Read all my emails,

Go through my phone.

You watch me in my most intimate moments.
Maybe you'll learn something

You fucking perv.

I know you know me

But I know you too.

I see you.

And I see your shit.

You own all the food companies.

You put shit in our food, and tell the FDA not to tell us.

We literally drink your Kool Aid.

Well I don’t drink Kool Aid.

I’m writing a “if superheroes were real” movie.

And I was trying to think of a bad guy.

For years.

Guess who I thought of in the end?

You.

I found you in your darkness.

It touches me everyday.

But I am a light in your darkness.

You’ve killed more people than any serial killer.

You’re the real bad guy.

 

I know you killed JFK.

Because he wasn't afraid of you.

Most people are afraid of you.

Most of the other ones end up dead.

Well guess what?

I am not afraid of you.

I know you’re gonna read this

And shit a little into your adult diaper.

My pens are mightier than your swords

And your pens too.

Because I speak the truth

And you run from it.

Well, I was the fastest kid in my class.

I see you motherfucker.

And I see your shit.

And I will not be quiet.

So get ready:

I’m coming for you.